Codependency and the Gospel
If addiction is the primary issue identified within the recovery culture, codependency is, no doubt, its running mate. In this culture, the term carries with it someone who is complicit in another’s addiction. The insidiousness of codependency is, at times, baffling to those trying to help the codependent, but for the person struggling with codependency, the emotional, psychological and, at times, physical affects are profound.
THE PROBLEM IN OUR CULTURE
The observations of those who work in the area of codependency are helpful in relating to this struggle. Codependent behaviors with the addict include attempts to control, enabling, obsessions about fixing the addict, covering up the addict’s addiction and the mental and emotional instability due to the actions of addict. The sacrificial actions of the codependent toward the addict are often done in the name of love, not realizing that, as we will see, that love is often disordered.
Even for the alcoholic/addict, the issue of codependency runs deep and might be seen as a secondary or even primary underlying issue. While in treatment for my alcoholism and drug addiction, I was once told, “Beneath every good alcoholic/addict is a good codependent.” I have found this to be the case in my own life as well in the lives of those I have had the privilege to counsel. Substances often mask the issues of codependency in the addict but once that coping strategy has been eliminated, this issue of the heart raises its ugly head.
To relegate this issue to the realm of the recovery culture is too narrow a view. In the world of psychological research, there is the realization that the problem of codependency is not reserved for the recovery culture but is prevalent in the general population. In the world of psychology understanding of codependency is still evolving. They are still seeking to understand what God already knows and the essentials of which he has revealed through his Word.
Some questions that might be asked to determine if codependency might be an issue:
Do you look to others to esteem you or give you value, worth and identity?
Does your wellbeing depend on the wellbeing of others?
Are you not okay, when someone is not okay with you?
Do you find yourself trying to control others, outcomes and circumstances?
Does your life revolve around another person’s life, friends, etc.?
Do you look to others to satisfy your desires?
Do you fear being yourself in front of others?
Are you overly concerned about what others might think about you?
Do you struggle with healthy boundaries?
In order to fully treat this issue successfully we must first rightly understand the problem. Though secular psychology can do well to observe symptomatically what is going on with the codependent, apart from God’s revelation we will be left with an incomplete picture. Though often empathetic, because of an incomplete understanding of the problem, the solutions offered by the non-gospel communities have limitations. These strategies include self-help, therapy and 12-step groups. Most of this help encourages detaching emotionally and no longer living for this person, but instead living for and loving yourself, while learning to be more self-confident and self-assertive.
A BIBLICAL INTERPRETATION
An understanding of the nature of the problem can be found in Jeremiah 2:13. This verse helps us see beneath the surface to the root problem in all its ugliness. This verse explains why the relationship is not working and is so unsatisfying. Although we will see where the responsibility of the person struggling with codependency lies, it in no way diminishes the feelings of confusion, powerlessness, enslavement and victimization so common to the sufferer. There is confusion of responsibilities as the codependent often takes responsibility for what they are not responsible for and, conversely, has a difficult time seeing their own responsibly. The bible, however, helps us to clarify responsibilities.
for my people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water. (Jeremiah 2:13)
The problem at its roots is that we have become disoriented from God and seeking to be satisfied by someone other than him. The word codependency is a good word to describe the problem. We were created to be dependent on our Creator, but instead we have looked to his creation and, in this case, to another created person that was never meant to be the source of meeting our needs and desires. There is the false belief that if I can fix this other person, I can finally be satisfied through this relationship.
This passage has powerfully contrasting images and indicates the problem has two aspects. First, we have forsaken him (pride), the fountain of the living waters and secondly, have hewn for ourselves cisterns broken cisterns that cannot hold water (idolatry). The problem with these cisterns are two-fold. The first is that people, like the cistern, has to be filled by another. It is not a source. Created in the image of God we were created to reflect him not be him. Secondly, like these cistern, people are broken. People therefore have limitations and beyond that have been fractured. Therefore, people don’t make great gods! They may provide a momentary refreshing, but even that was meant to point to the one who fills!
Though the word codependency is relatively new term, the problem is as old as the fall of mankind. I would propose that understood rightly, this issue touches each of our lives in varying degrees. One term we find in the bible to describe codependency is the fear of man. We tend to fear what we worship, stand in awe of, in reverence of and look to for our needs. So, like with addiction, the problem is a fundamentally a worship disorder, orienting or lives around another and making sacrifices maintain relationship with the thing we love. The addict is dependent on and makes sacrifices for the drug of choice and the codependent is dependent on (addicted to) the addict and makes sacrifices for him.
But there are many other faces of the fear of man and the Bible is filled with examples. The fear of man is often a factor in why we do not confess our struggles to one another, why we lie to one another, and why we are afraid to share our faith. The fear of man is responsible for fighting and quarrelling (James 4:1-4). Sexual immorality is offering of ourselves to another as a functional savior, hoping for the love, security, stability, esteem and pleasure that can only be satisfied by God who offers it abundantly.
THE SUPERIORITY OF THE GOSPEL
The Bible teaches us to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. This is the Greatest Command. The order is important to love God first. Whatever sits in first place is what we worship. To put someone else in his place is idolatry. This is why the symptomatic remedy of going from living for someone else to living for ourselves is does not solve the problem but just creates another one!.
Detaching emotionally also seems right but also falls short of God’s intended design for relationships. Going from caring too much to not caring at all is not the answer. Jesus is our example and he cared about people, yet was not consumed by what others around him thought. Detaching emotionally may provide symptomatic relief but does not change our hearts.
Jesus comes on the scene and tells us he is the source of living waters and believing in him we will never thirst. This is not just to believe that he is the Son of God, but that in him, through the gospel, we find all that our hearts long for.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
Christ came to captivate our hearts and re-order our worship so that by his grace we might rightly worship him and reflect his love to those around us. We will never love people rightly until he sits in the first place in our hearts.